


Million Reasons

by WaywardAF67



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angry Castiel (Supernatural), Angry Dean Winchester, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a song, Canon Compliant, Canon level will they/won't they, Fighting, Gen, Humor, If You Squint - Freeform, Over use of the phrase Million Reasons, praying to God
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2019-01-01 00:31:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12144612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaywardAF67/pseuds/WaywardAF67
Summary: Dean and Cas have an argument and Cas is continplating the reasons he should leave. Based on the song Million Reasons by Lady Gaga.





	Million Reasons

**Author's Note:**

  * For [waywardjenn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/waywardjenn/gifts).



> The first time I heard this was was 2 weeks ago at PittCon. After that I knew this was a Cas and Dean story. You can read this as shippers or not. It's up to you. It's very Canon in the implied something more, but not confirmed. My dear love Wayward Jenn looked this over for any huge errors, but it's not been really edited. All mistakes are mine. Based in the song Million Reasons.

“Yeah, Cas. Walk away. It’s what you do best, right?”

“Screw you, Dean. Did you ever think that the reason I walk away is because you are constantly pushing me away?”

Cas slams the door leading to the garage. He wants to leave, but Dean’s words ring in his ears. How many times has he ran from Dean? There are too many to count. He just wants to get in his truck and leave; if he had a highway he could just drive his problems away. Better yet, he wishes he could still fly away. Return to heaven and sit in his favorite version with the autistic man. That eternal Tuesday would be better than his millionth fight with Dean.

He leans over the hood of the Impala. The engine is still warm. Everything was fine two hours ago. They exorcised the demon, saved the host, and got a lead on Lucifer. They stopped for burgers on the way home, it was life as usual. What happened? Why had they even started fighting? And that was the sixty-four dollar question, wasn’t it? What weren’t they fighting about? The lying, the hiding, doing things behind each other’s backs. It was all well intended, but Cas feels he has a hundred million reasons to walk away.

He stalks to furthest corner of the garage. His truck is broken down and Dean was supposed to fix it, but they got pulled out on a case before he could. He sits on the tailgate and bows his head. “God? Chuck, I need some guidance here. I’d really like for you to show me the way. I don’t even know my purpose anymore. I am stuck in this cycle of letting the brothers down. Every time I fail them, it’s like I stop breathing. But I’m still completely aware. The only time I feel like I can truly breathe is when I’m with them. Working a job. Doing right by them.”

He closes his eyes as the tears begin to fall. “I can’t do it anymore, Chuck. What’s the point of free will, when you always get it wrong? I’m quitting the show. No more rebellion, no more lies. I just want to go back to feeling nothing.”

This is a battle Cas’ tired of fighting. He feels like a dull pair of scissors trying to cut through leather. Almost able to tear the fabric, but not quite close enough. And what a metaphor that is. He imagines Dean in his father’s worn out leather coat. He was so young when Cas met him. So full of righteous indignation. And just like the jacket he got softer with age. Dean eventually hung up his coat, and most of his anger. He moved on. Slowly he and Cas started to grow closer. They became, in Dean’s words, family. So many times Dean told him he was family. He said it so often, Cas started to believe it was something Dean might even mean. Still though, it was hard for him to fathom which parts he should believe. He would say one thing, but act differently. Always drawing Cas close, just to push him away.

Dean never understood it was always Cas trying to protect him. He would get mad and throw blame at Cas,never accepting that Cas was sacrificing for him. The deal with Crowley, he was fighting to avoid another apocalypse, for Dean. He took Sam’s crazy, for Dean. Breaking Sam’s wall was his most regrettable choice, but he did what he could to rectify the situation. He ran from Dean in purgatory to keep him safe. He stayed to pay for what he had done to them.

He swipes at the tears now flowing freely down his face. There really are a million reasons to walk away. Yet, all he needs is just one good one to stay. If Dean would just ask him. Just show him he was important instead of telling him. There has to be one small single way Dean can show him he’s worth saving.

“Is this the price you pay, Chuck? The good with the bad? But why is there so much more bad than good? Every heartbreak makes it hard to keep the faith.”

Castiel hears the garage door bang open. He scrambles to clear his face, and hops off the truck. He wants to stop Dean before he can leave. He didn’t run away and he doesn’t think Dean should either. Maybe once, just this once, they can work out their problems without someone storming off.

“Hello, Dean”, he says weakly.

“Cas, hey. I thought you left.”

“I uh, I don’t have a vehicle right now.”

“Right, your carburetor.”

Cas nods his head as a reply. “Dean I--”

“Cas” They both talk at the same time. Dean gestures his hand for Cas to speak first.

“I’m sorry Dean. I don’t even know what we are fighting about.”

Dean gives a grim chuckle, “Yeah, me neither.”

“It seems we do that a lot don’t we.”

“Yeah. Fighting seems to be our way of communicating”, Dean responds. “Fuck Cas. I, uh. Look it’s just. Dammit, why is this so hard?”

Cas lifts one side of his mouth. It’s a halfhearted attempt at a smile, but he can see Dean is trying, and that’s really all he can ask for. He’s sure Dean is trying to avoid a chick-flick moment, but is failing miserably.

“I know you struggle expressing your emotions, Dean. And as much as I want to say ‘we don’t have to talk about this. We will be fine’ and go on pretending, I think it has to be said. We have to get it out. I’ll go first, if you like.”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay you go.”

Dean leans up against the side of his car, as Cas starts to explain why he thinks they always end up like this. He blames the lies, the betrayal, and the secrets. He blames making choices based on what they think is best for the other person. He blames everything he can think of. “It’s hard Dean, there are a million reasons to walk away. The pain, the fear, the loneliness. It would all be worth it if I had just one good reason to stay.”

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?”

“Did you just quote Lady Gaga to me?”

Cas breaks out in a wide smile. “I didn’t expect you to know the song.”

“Come on man, it’s Gaga. She’s like the white Beyoncé.”

Cas is scandalized, “First of all Dean. I think that might have been racist. There is no need to classify the two. And secondly how dare you. There is no one comparable to Queen B.”

The conversation has gotten away from him, but these are the moments Cas lives for. The light banter, and camaraderie.

“It’s not racist Cas. You know me better than that. I’m just saying, Beyoncé is a powerful role model that all cultures can love and admire. I’m not sure I would say the same for Gaga.”

“As much as I would love to have this debate Dean, I need you to focus.”

Dean flushes red, “Yeah okay. You need one good one good one good one reason to stay?” He belts at the top of his lungs.

“Your singing voice is awful”, Cas rolls his eyes.

“I want you to stay.” Dean pauses, “and if that’s not good enough. I, uh, I. Fuck, I love you okay. I want to you stay because I like having you around. You're weird, and oddly funny, and you just make everything feel like home. Are you happy? Is that reason enough?”

The tears are back in his eyes, only this time for a different reason. He lunges forward trapping Dean in a hug. “It’s more than enough.”

Cas doesn’t say it back. He knows Dean knows.


End file.
